This weekend I was surrounded by so many things I love. It made me wonder: Why am I so miserable?
Friday night my friend Michelle and I threw a BBQ. Dozens of friends came to eat the atrocious amount of food I'd brought (as my mother used to say, "enough food to feed an army") and to meet a special guest of mine - Jay - who'd come up from Ann Arbour. We ate like royalty and laughed our asses off as we took turns on the various instruments in the house. Michelle and I did a particularly compelling rendition of Chopsticks Duet on the piano and Monique nearly made me pee with her "Middle Masch" on drums. Everyone seemed to adore Jay as well, which bodes well for the budding relationship he and I are starting.
The next morning I taught my 10am yoga class at Atlas Studio, which was full to capacity. I love the energy of big yoga classes and this one was peppered with yoga teachers in training, so it took on the extra element of their inquiry and feedback. The class was exactly what I wish for all of my public classes to be: full, energetic, and challenging.
Jay was set to leave Sunday afternoon, but I convinced him to stay an extra day. We filled the time hanging out in Victoria Park, visiting friends, seeing the cities and enjoying each other's company. He's so intelligent, engaging, communicative, and oh - GORGEOUS (thats him in the picture). It's the start of something I think I've wanted for a while but wasn't sure could be found. Seems like a real relationship with substance at last.
So why do I hate life today?
Well, on the flip side of this fabulous weekend is my fiscal reality. The tax man cometh this week for self-employed me, and boy is he bending me over. I'm approaching July and August, traditionally slow months for yoga. That doesn't bode well for my increasingly red bottom line.
And speaking of increasing bottom lines, I've also been walking around in this meat suit complete with extra padding since returning from Spain and it just doesn't seem to want to shed it no matter how much I run. The stark reality is that I'm not 21 anymore. For many reasons that's a very good thing, but when it comes to being lean, it sucks.
I've also got some choices to make. My life in Waterloo is as it has always been: very good, but not great. There is something about this place that brings great contentment but little excitement, an entrepreneurial spirit but a lack of momentum and strong professional community. It's easy to be wooed by the provinciality of it all, but my restless spirit and desire to do and be more just can't seem to stay still in this city.
The truth is, I'm too comfortable. Things are fine, truckin' along, but I feel like I'm in that 'GPA booster' class again. You see, in my undergrad I was taking two very challenging fourth year courses and got worried that they might drag down my grade point average (GPA), so I signed up for "Music in Film" thinking it was a no-brainer and would keep an A+ in the midst of whatever was going to come of these harder courses. Well, I learned something about myself that year. Those two killer courses? They were killer. And you know what? I put heart and soul into them and did some of the best work of my academic career to date. I came out with an A and an A+ in them. That Music in Film class? Couldn't have cared less and ended up with a B-, which effectively dropped my average low enough to lose me the Gold Medal, for which I was in final contention.
Turns out I like pressure. Turns out I work well with fire under my ass because it fuels my passion. Turns out being in the deep end is where I do my best swimming.
So what does that mean for me now? How do we find satisfaction? Should we? Is it in human nature to actually ever be satisfied? And what is it that makes us unsatisfied to begin with? I mean, shouldn't I look at my overall life and think, "Hmm, pretty damn good. I'm happy."? Is it lack, or drive that keeps me unblissed?